Alicia Frogcastle

Riding the Rails

2009-09-03T18:28:53Z

Last night I had a dream that could be interpreted many different ways and rather than interpret it here, I just wanted to relate it - because my spiritual teacher recommended that I record it before I forget the details. He tells me not to discount my dreams because there may be more meaning than I realize.

So it was that I was walking along with friends - don't know who they were - and they pointed out a building that was for sale for a very low price considering what it was and the condition it was in. I was trying to answer the question of why it might be such a low price and realized I didn't know the answer. So I decided to investigate. The building was stone and very institutional-looking. It looked like a place of business. And the feeling and comment made was that something creepy might have happened there, perhaps the seller of the building needed to get rid of the association to things he had done there.

As I went to investigate, I stepped onto an escalator. When I was about halfway down the escalator, the scenery around me changed. Instead of being a stone building surrounding me, there were brightly colored carpets and walls and decorations and loud music and ambience. There was a concession stand and there were lots of people w/ brightly colored clothes. It looked like the lobby of a movie theater and I wandered into the room and looked around but I didn't know anyone and didn't know what I was doing there, so I turned around and got on the escalator to return back to the sidewalk.

But the escalator didn't take me to the sidewalk. It took me to another dimension where there were pirates and pirate ships in the distance and I was in a pub of some sort and I didn't know what I was doing there and didn't fit in, and was a little unsettled. I just wanted to get through there without being assaulted or anything else bad happening to me.

Then I was back on the escalator and I noticed a woman on the escalator going the opposite direction. She was attractive and polite but not helpful and not approachable at all. I later found out she was a hostess and it was her job to ride the escalators and make people feel welcome. There had been other hostesses too, but they had all been fired and she was the only one left. I don't know why.

I got off the escalator on another floor and there was a sign stating that the point of that place was to have free symphony concerts. The man next to me was excited and got off on that floor and stayed, but I was cautious and learned that it was not a good thing to be there because the effect of the concert was that it lulled people to sleep and then they were taken advantage of by other people. In fact, while I was on the escalator going down from that place, I saw a man run away terrified from the concert hall and he was so scared that he jumped halfway up the escalator in one leap. It was not a safe place.

None of the places the escalator visited seemed safe to me. They all had lots of people and there was always an eerie feeling about the places it went. Whether I went up a floor or down a floor, there was always something to avoid, and always something unsettling about the places. The people riding the escalators with me were a mixture of people who were just curious, lost, riding for the excitement of the adventure, or afraid. Some people called it "riding the rails" and did it for fun for hours or days - no one had control over how long it would take to get back home and there was always the possiblity you wouldn't make it back home. It wasn't my idea of fun and I was afraid, but I had to continue exploring to try to find my way home. I couldn't just give up.

Some of the places were airports - a lot of them seemed to be airports, actually. And I didn't even get onto those floors when I saw what they were. I didn't want to risk getting so lost I wouldn't be able to even find the escalators.

Other floors were beaches or waterfronts. There were ships on some of them.

Some of them were full of pickpockets or people who were untrustworthy and there was a feeling of unsafety - "Just don't make eye contact and just keep walking," someone next to me said.

On one floor, there was a glass shelter, like you find at bus stops and it was along side of the rails. There was a path to the waterfront and there were only children and ducks when you got to the water. It was a strange combination of things that should be peaceful but were not. The children were like Sirens and it felt like if you fell for their charms, you would be overtaken and never make it out of there. It was one of the most compelling and frightening places I went on the escalator last night.

I met some people who were friendly and felt safe for a time, but they always seemed to get off the escalator eventually and part ways with me whether it was after walking into a dimension for a ways and they wanted to stay, or when we were at the place they decided to get off the rails and I didn't want to - because none of the dimensions were home and I was really only interested in getting home where I felt safe. I wasn't really in the mood to explore anymore. I was tired. I hadn't intended to start out on this journey in the first place.

Some of the time I felt like I was a hostess and not getting paid for it, because i was friendly and quiet and smiled at people like she did, and because I wasn't getting off the rails onto the floors - just like I was working and that was my job. In fact, I started to look at it like it was my job, just to keep riding escalators and to not explore any of the places. It got to the point that I didn't even want to see what was coming up next because I knew it would be disappointing - it wouldn't be what I wanted and it would look deceitfully peaceful until I'd find out some flaw. So I kept riding the rails and staring at my feet until I woke up. And I woke up stressed.

Softball Game

2009-05-27T15:22:28Z

I got to play softball last night w/ a friend who is on a team w/ her coworkers. It was co-ed and they're always looking for females to fill slots on the team. It was fun! I was nervous about not having played since I was 16.

But lately, I had been thinking it would be nice to play softball again, to be on a team, doing something that promoted physical activity and challenge to myself. I was thinking it would be fun to have the chance to see how well I could do and whether I'd be better at it than I used to be or at least be able to maintain the skill I had years ago.

It brought back memories of years ago when my mom would spend hours teaching me to play. I was not a natural athlete and it was hard for me. I had to really work at it and I tested her patience because she had been naturally athletic. My brothers were also naturally athletic and even at younger ages could outperform me when we were still kids. But I kept at it, even though I was put in right field when in the game at all and benched about half the game many times. I did improve over the years and learn to hit the ball - even on bad pitches. I still throw like a girl; I'll never hit a home run, and I sometimes let the ball get past me despite best efforts. But I get behind the ball and don't shy away from it. I hustle and I throw in the right direction even if I don't have the oomph it would need to reach far targets. So apparently, on this league, that makes me worthwhile to the team because they're used to not having enough women, which sometimes means they have to forfeit, or finding women that don't even know how to play just to fill the slots. So yay me! I actually hit the ball multiple times, allowing runs and I made it into home once, and didn't make any errors in the field! (Nevermind that the ball never actually got to me in the field, which is why I was in right field to begin with. lol)

So how exciting! I got all hot and sweaty and my heart was pounding and my knees hurt. I think I got dehydrated and that may be why I have a migraine today, but I did it! I'm all happy. It feels good. I remember why I played and I think I'll do this again.

Return to Cincinnati

2009-04-07T02:17:27Z

I didn't take time to write about my last couple days in Hawaii. The biggest things that happened were that we relaxed some more, saw the Molokai Coffee plantation and a macademia nut orchard, where I found mosquitoes are in abundance. Because I had not anticipated them, they found me - didn't have DEET w/ me that day. Curses, you mosquitoes!

We went to Honolulu, where I decided it would be really great to see Diamond Head. Silly me! I could have been on the beaches of Waikiki on a beautiful day, but instead I decided to hike uphill to the peak of Diamond Head when I was already exhausted before the hike. Sometimes it's hard to understand why I make the decisions I make when you consider I'm not really masochistic. But I'm a geek and I've been through that experience and I learned more about volcanoes and the fact that I need to exercise more.

I slept pretty well on the flights back to Cincinnati and was excited to see my friends again. I had invited a few close friends to see pictures and receive souvenirs and spend time together and that was a nice thing to do.

I'm settling back in - I can't believe it's already been a week since we got home. In a way it feels like longer because things are back to normal and it's amazing how quickly that happens. I have mixed feelings about this because I'd like to hold onto that relaxed feeling longer. I mean, my chiropractor told me how nice and relaxed my muscles were on that Monday when I went to see her, but today I am so tense I can feel it - and that's even after a great massage I received yesterday. What is with my body and holding onto stress?! I'm not even supposed to have this much stress - I'm not even back at work yet, which in and of itself is a stressful fact, I admit.

Yet, I'm psyching myself up to getting back to work. I think it will be great to get a new routine when I finally go back - I'm supposed to have all new clients, which is something I have mixed feelings about, too. I mean, there are some that I really like working with. Plus, it feels good to know someone already and have some idea of their background and strengths and weak spots. It's going to be overwhelming to have to have all new clients all at once, if that is what happens after all. I may be able to negotiate somewhat. that remains to be seen.

I'm trying to learn how to maintain my own well being and focus on things that have been out of balance. First and foremost I'm turning to my social support system and spending lots of time with the people I love. I hardly spend any time alone - at least when I'm awake. And I read research that reassures me that is not only a healthy response to stress but that it is a typical response for women (much more so than for men). So not only is it instinctive and healthy, it is not actually abnormal, either. Cool. I like knowing there are at least some things about me that are not completely backwards.

In my strive for balance, I'm trying to tap into the self-nurturing/inward focus, thinking about what I need, want or feel instead of worrying about others all the time. Apparently, that is what the universe has been trying to teach me to do and I've been very stubborn about not learning it - or needing to relearn it frequently. It's a tough balance to have.

Another thing I'm trying to learn is to tap into my "warrior" aspects and be more self-sufficient. That is not very easy for me. I think I've started to become a little too one-sided, and that might be part of my problem. I need to get in touch with my "inner bitch" as one friend called it. I don't even know how to do that in an intentional way. Typically if I'm bitchy it's unintentional, the kind of thing that results from pain and feeling whiny, needy, snapping inadvertently at someone. But the intentional bitch is not at all that way, she is a warrior, focused, confident, and effective. Who is that? I know I have tapped into those powers in the past, but that was long ago in my recollection. How long ago? I can't even remember.

So it's taking a little more time before I'm ready to face being at work again. I'm steeling myself and getting ready to hold up in battle. It won't be MUCH longer....

Defense Against the Darkness

2009-03-31T05:19:16Z

This entry is a retrospective - I wanted to type it last week, sometime before my trip to Hawaii, but somehow I never got into the frame of mind to accomplish something as sophisticated or as active as actually typing my ideas into the computer. In other words, I was really out of sorts and not at all well. I think I still have the memory of what I was thinking, and perhaps more hope and more energy, so now I can actually put the dark feelings into words.

[A note to J.K. Rowling: I apologize for using so many analogies from your stories, but if you hadn't made them so darn useful and close to my own experiences, that wouldn't have been so easy to do. As it is, I find it incredibly useful to use references from your books, especially the first one. Please try to take it as a compliment.]

[A note to those who have not read the Harry Potter books (at least the first one): sorry this probably won't make any sense. I relied heavily on references from the books to avoid having to describe things myself. I know, I've been told I'm lazy. I prefer to think of it as creatively efficient.]

I have always been attracted to healing because I needed it so badly. I found much of my healing through the help of encouraging, supportive and helpful people who appeared at various parts of my life when they might have been just extras in the movie. I grabbed onto much of the advice and wisdom, as much as I could at the time. I also decided early on that I wanted to be one of those people. During the Sorting Hat experiences of my life, I gravitated toward the ideas and occupation that I most value: emotional and mental and spiritual healing. I wanted to be a healer, not an abuser, bully, elitist, or anyone else from the House of Slytherin. In so choosing, I found myself in the occupation of mental health therapist, one of the very places I would find the most challenging, but also the most rewarding, even if it is one of the least glamorous.

It turns out that I was much better at shielding myself from the demons of depression and anxiety of other people's problems while I was working with them. I found myself happy and hopeful and able to cope better than others thought an empath would be able to do in the profession I chose. That was until an unexpected avalanche hit the agency and all the funding sources for the uninsured clients to receive therapy were suddenly depleted. I was devastated because most of my clients had been uninsured and I felt so helpless to stop them from losing the therapy they had been needing. I had believed in what I was doing or I would not have been doing it. I was in a bind.

Normally, I find it comforting to believe I am disposable in life, to remember the truth that Life will go on when I am no longer here. It helps take the pressure off. Nothing I do is likely to completely destroy or be necessary for saving the Earth or Life as we know it. For me, that used to be Death Therapy and it was very reassuring when I was younger.

But somehow, to those people I worked with, I did believe I was helping. I did believe I was important. I found it difficult to just accept the losses on their behalves. It isn't right. It isn't fair. I know Life isn't Fair, but this wasn't OK. I was fighting the Darkness and didn't expect that blow. It was really hard to go on. I don't know how this led to there being Dementors around every corner, but there they were in Cornwall or Amelia, wherever I turned. I got weak and shaky and the happiness was sucked out of me. I felt like I was about to lose my very soul. I heard Mom screaming. I felt the pain and the helplessness of watching it happen. And I was out of commission. I lost the golden snitch. I couldn't even stay on my broom. Home was my hospital wing, and chocolate didn't seem to be enough of a remedy.

I know the Malfoys of the world are probably smirking at me and think I'm weak because of all this. I cannot help that fact. Malfoy isn't going to understand and neither will his thick-headed sidekicks. I am happy enough when McGonagall shows support after seeming like she was so strict.

It turns out that I can't explain it to anyone who isn't willing to understand. I can't beat myself up about it. I am not a wizard and I don't have a magic wand. I don't know how to conjure a Patronus. If I did, things would be so much easier. But I am just me, a human without special powers. The closest I have is medication, and that is not the same thing at all. I have an achilles heel, probably more than one. If I didn't have a secret weapon, I don't think I'd ever make it through.

And when I think about what I decided to do, going into the field of mental health, sometimes it seems masochistic and quixotic. It feels like a fools' quest and I wonder what I was thinking. I do consider leaving the profession. I consider my other skills and talents. What could I do instead? I could probably excel in other fields, so I'm told, fields that pay real money and where people treat you with more respect. But then I remember my life's quest. As long as I'm in commission, as long as people can help me through this, it's worth it to live for my number one value, to help people find healing, to be a light in the darkness.

I know it's strange coming from a capitalist. What is a hedonist doing in a job that is practically volunteer work that wrenches the soul on a regular basis? How can I do this?

I keep doing it because I believe that it's worth it to defend against the Darkness and because I believe that Love and Hope make Life worth Living.

That doesn't make me infallible and it doesn't mean I have magic powers. I am still working on healing and getting to the point where I can get back to work. I'm still messing up. Before my trip to Hawaii, I still felt like a zombie. My body was manifesting all kinds of ailments to let me know it isn't ok for my Soul to feel like it's on "Empty." I was unable to write this because I was too hurt to be productive, the clouds in my head were pretty dark, precluding clarity of vision or of thought. It felt like my head was full of mollasses and cotton balls.

Basically, it was hard for me to explain that after the first week and a half off work, I stopped feeling the intense emotional pain, but I was numb inside and unable to function. Even after two weeks off work, I was no longer aching, but was unable to feel any joy or belief in my life, healing or joy. It just wasn't in me.

After a few days in Hawaii, some of the Life started to return, I started to have feelings again that weren't pain and weren't numb. I still don't know if I'm whole. I feel more like ceramics that were broken and glued back together and broken again and glued back together again - I just don't want to test the bonds until the glue has more time to dry. I'm hoping it holds together by the time I get back to work.

Viral Insecurity

2008-12-17T16:15:07Z

Is there a virus that causes a rush of insecurity to sweep over a person? Because I know this is cold and flu season. Pretty much everyone has been fighting off illness, my family, friends, co-workers, clients, people in the store, everyone. And I guess I've been fighting it off somewhat successfully so far, but the problem I seem to be having is this strange-to-me-high level of insecurity. I mean, it's not like I'm normally arrogant and conceited, but lately I feel like the kid I was in high school, the one no one would talk to, the one who was made fun of all the time and used as the example of the least popular kid when others would be insulting each other.

And I don't know why. People have been treating me well. It's not like I've been outcast or treated badly lately, but I have this paranoia that they're just being nice to me because they feel sorry for me. I KNOW it's only paranoia and that it doesn't make any kind of sense logically, but I can't shake the feeling and the fact that my thoughts tend to go in that direction of their own free will.

It feels like it has biological or physiological causes. Strange and frustrating.

I don't want to be emotionally needy. How can I stop this nasty bug? I'm taking my vitamins, getting liquids, rest and taking care of myself but I think those are the measures to take for colds and flu. What are the traditional remedies for insecurity? (And please don't include any kind of junk food in the list of cures/remedies you offer up. That's already tempting enough this time of year.)

okcupid profile DELETED?

2008-10-24T03:23:49Z

I went to okcupid to find people with whom I might be compatible and who are local, to test my theory that it's not so easy. I chatted with another who I thought would be really interesting - we were having a very meaningful conversation about healing and spirituality and the meaning of life. As we were signing off I told him I don't get on the computer all that often and gave him my number. He said he'd "stick to the computer" and "thanks for the trust" and then as soon as we were done chatting he deleted his account. WTF!?

Is it because I gave my number? Is that bad?

Or is it because he felt like the amount of information shared was dangerous?

When okcupid says the account was deleted, is that true or is that the message you get when you're blocked?

I don't get it.

Perhaps this is just confirmation of the theory I was discussing last night - I seem to ASK to be rejected by people. I swear that when I gave my number it was not a subconscious attempt to get him to run away. The universe may be telling me otherwise.

Mixed Emotions

2008-10-21T00:55:18Z

So lately, if people have asked me how I'm doing (outside of work), I've been telling them, "Everything's all fucked up, but everything's ok all at the same time. So I'm depressed but I'm doing alright, too."

That feels like the best I can do to explain where I'm coming from, but it seems like there's such intensity to the experience that I can't convey it clearly enough. I mean, really.

Here's the thing: I am so depressed that my first instinct would be to kill myself if I weren't also balanced by the other side of things. I don't know if I've been this depressed at the same time I've felt this good. If I weren't able to tap into the lessons I've learned from past peak experiences, I may not be capable of this. As it is, I don't know how I can feel so much. It feels like it should be a problem.

Here's the thing: it IS a problem. But it isn't.

And there is a lot to explore within that I am absolutely terrified of examining. I don't want to look at the scary monsters. I don't want to see them. I really don't know how to not look. It's a problem.

There are important things, practical, work-related things that I need to remember and I can't. Because the emotions are too intense and I can't remember if the things I think happened really did happen or if they were just dreams. And that's a problem.

The other day I overheard someone talking about an acid trip and it was like my experiences except I'm not on acid or any other hallucinogens. It's not that kind of thing. Does anyone know what I'm talking about?

confidentiality

2008-10-21T00:39:38Z

So, as a mental health therapist, I am expected to keep things confidential, of course. We all know that no one would talk to a therapist otherwise. And most people, even if they've never been in therapy before, understand there are exceptions to confidentiality: if you tell me you are going to hurt yourself or someone else, I must report you. If you tell me about a child, disabled or elderly person being abused, I must report the incident. But some people don't realize that I also have a supervisor who reviews my case notes and discusses cases with me. I have a team of co-workers who discuss cases and how to problem-solve. There are auditors from the funding agencies who audit charts to ensure I am doing my job (the Mental Health & Recovery Board or Medicaid) and only billing for "medically necessary" services. Also, the licensure board has a code of ethics that requires me to report other co-workers who have breached the code of ethics.

So when a client told me she had her boundaries violated by the previous therapist, I had to report it, even though she didn't want to get the previous therapist in trouble. She thought it was safe to tell me and it would go no further. I told her we have a code of ethics that does not allow this. She is really hurt and feels betrayed. She feels guilty for getting the other therapist in trouble and threatening her livelihood. Nothing I can say will take away the client's feeling of betrayal - now by two different therapists.

This is the kind of situation I have agreed to walk into. I explained that she is not responsible if the previous therapist has to face consequences for her actions, but that only goes so far. I explained that part of the reason therapists are supervised is to prevent vulnerable people from being victimized by treatment providers and she would not want others to experience the hurt she experienced at the hands of the other therapist. This only goes so far. I expressed that I understand she feels betrayed and that she may not want to work with me ever again, that I don't blame her for her feelings.

It's only money

2008-10-21T00:22:37Z

The director of my agency forwarded this email from the local sheriff to all the employees just so we'll understand what we're dealing with. Our fiscal year starts in July and we've already almost used up the entire year's budget for hospital stays - we just can't keep up with the need. I, for one, feel the crunch.

Officials Fear Financial Crisis May Spawn Suicides

NEW YORK (AP) ― An out-of-work money manager in California loses a fortune and wipes out his family in a murder-suicide. A 90-year-old Ohio widow shoots herself in the chest as authorities arrive to evict her from the modest house she called home for 38 years.

In Massachusetts, a housewife who had hidden her family's mounting financial crisis from her husband sends a note to the mortgage company warning: "By the time you foreclose on my house, I'll be dead."

Then Carlene Balderrama shot herself to death, leaving an insurance policy and a suicide note on a table.

Across the country, authorities are becoming concerned that the nation's financial woes could turn increasingly violent, and they are urging people to get help. In some places, mental-health hot lines are jammed, counseling services are in high demand and domestic-violence shelters are full.

"I've had a number of people say that this is the thing most reminiscent of 9/11 that's happened here since then," said the Rev. Canon Ann Malonee, vicar at Trinity Church in the heart of New York's financial district. "It's that sense of having the rug pulled out from under them."

With nowhere else to turn, many people are calling suicide-prevention hot lines. The Samaritans of New York have seen calls rise more than 16 percent in the past year, many of them money-related. The Switchboard of Miami has recorded more than 500 foreclosure-related calls this year.

"A lot of people are telling us they are losing everything. They're losing their homes, they're going into foreclosure, they've lost their jobs," said Virginia Cervasio, executive director of a suicide resource enter in southwest Florida's Lee County.

But tragedies keep mounting:

• In Los Angeles last week, a former money manager fatally shot his wife, three sons and his mother-in-law before killing himself.

Karthik Rajaram, 45, left a suicide note saying he was in financial trouble and contemplated killing just himself. But he said he decided to kill his entire family because that was more honorable, police said.

Rajaram once worked for a major accounting firm and for Sony Pictures, and he had been part-owner of a financial holding company. But he had been out of work for several months, police said.

After the murder-suicide, police and mental-health officials in Los Angeles took the unusual step of urging people to seek help for themselves or loved ones if they feel overwhelmed by grim financial news. They said they were specifically afraid of the "copycat phenomenon."

"This is a perfect American family behind me that has absolutely been destroyed, apparently because of a man who just got stuck in a rabbit hole, if you will, of absolute despair," Deputy Police Chief Michel Moore said. "It is critical to step up and recognize we are in some pretty troubled times."

• In Tennessee, a woman fatally shot herself last week as sheriff's deputies went to evict her from her foreclosed home.

Pamela Ross, 57, and her husband were fighting foreclosure on their home when sheriff's deputies in Sevierville came to serve an eviction notice. They were across the street when they heard a gunshot and found Ross dead from a wound to the chest. The case was even more tragic because the couple had recently been granted an extra 10 days to appeal.

• In Akron, Ohio, the 90-year-old widow who shot herself on Oct. 1 is recovering. A congressman told Addie Polk's story on the House floor before lawmakers voted to approve a $700 billion financial rescue package. Mortgage finance company Fannie Mae dropped the foreclosure, forgave her mortgage and said she could remain in the home.

• In Ocala, Fla., Roland Gore shot his wife and dog in March and then set fire to the couple's home, which had been in foreclosure, before killing himself. His case was one of several in which people killed spouses or pets, destroyed property or attacked police before taking their own lives.

"The financial stress builds up to the point the person feels they can't go on, and the person believes their family is better off dead than left without a financial support," said Kristen Rand, legislative director of the Washington D.C.-based Violence Policy Center.

Dr. Edward Charlesworth, a clinical psychologist in Houston, said the current crisis is breeding a sense of chronic anxiety among people who feel helpless and panic-stricken, as well as angry that their government has let them down.

"They feel like in this great society that we live in we should have more protection for the individuals rather than just the corporation," he said.

It's not yet clear there is a statistical link between suicides and the financial downturn since there is generally a two-year lag in national suicide figures. But historically, suicides increase in times of economic hardship. And the current financial crisis is already being called the worst since the Great Depression.

Rising mortgage defaults and falling home values are at the heart of it. More than 4 million Americans were at least one month behind on their mortgages at the end of June, according to the Mortgage Bankers Association.

A record 500,000 had entered the foreclosure process. And that trend is expected to continue through next year, despite the current programs from the government and the lending industry to refinance delinquent homeowners into more affordable loans.

Counselors at Catholic Charities USA report seeing a "significant increase" in the need for housing counseling.

One counselor said half of her clients were on some form of antidepressant or anti-anxiety medication. The agency has seen a decrease in overall funding, but it has expanded foreclosure counseling and received nearly $2 million for such services in late 2007.

Adding to financially tense households is an air of secrecy. Experts said it's common for one spouse to blame the other for their financial mess or to hide it entirely, as Balderrama did.

After falling 3 1/2 years behind in payments, the Taunton, Mass., housewife had been intercepting letters from the mortgage company and shredding them before her husband saw them. She tried to refinance but was declined.

In July, on the day the house was to be auctioned, she faxed the note to the mortgage company. Then the 52-year-old walked outside, shot her three beloved cats and then herself with her husband's rifle.

Notes left on the table revealed months of planning. She'd picked out her funeral home, laid out the insurance policy and left a note saying, "pay off the house with the insurance money."

"She put in her suicide note that it got overwhelming for her," said her husband, John Balderrama. "Apparently she didn't have anyone to talk to. She didn't come to me. I don't know why. There's gotta be some help out there for people that are hurting, (something better) than to see somebody lose a life over a stupid house."

Hedonism

2008-09-29T02:44:15Z

The reason I haven't been posting, frankly, is that I have been so hedonistic and happy. I have had many peak experiences - many of them not fit for posting online. As peak experiences are wont to do, they have altered my perception of my everyday life. I am not content with just surviving - I want to thrive. I am not content with just accepting that these experiences are temporary - I want to recreate the pleasure as much as I can in my daily life. This has been quite a rush! The intensity of Labor Day Weekend was wonderful and inspiring and I want the rest of my life to at least echo the ecstasy - if not lead to more experiences of it, but of course, I prefer to have more ecstasy.

There is a phenomenon that is often noticed by people who have peak experiences that the intensity often lessens with repetition and it is often impossible to recreate the level of that first encounter.

I am finding that my experiences are not that way - it's like I continue to climb higher and higher. It's like being constantly high! I love it!

There is attached to it, the fear that it won't last or that it will lead to some sort of crash, but that doesn't seem realistic or possible right now, not the way I'm feeling. As I often teach my clients, emotions have a tendency to feed themselves: if you are angry, your brain finds more reasons to be angry and the anger builds; if you are anxious, the anxiety builds as you begin to fear losing control of your feelings; well, joy breeds joy. That is the most beautiful experience!

My visit to docsavage44 was the best! I will never be the same again - I came from that visit with new inspiration, hope and increased understanding of the capacity for joy and ecstasy possible in life. That was followed by a quick trip to Vegas, which was not my thing, but the Grand Canyon is beautiful, of course! And just like everyone says, it has to be experienced first-hand. I would have liked more time at the canyon and less time in Vegas, but things worked out the way they did.

I am beginning to implement the Dialectical Behavioral Therapy model in my practice and that includes Zen practices that teach how to cope with emotions of distress and how to increase mindfulness. I am not a perfect student myself, but it is a very helpful set of tools to have. This is necessary when one has the feeling of going through withdrawal during the times in between the peaks.

I am finding an amazing wealth of wonderful people in my life and learning to appreciate the love that flows through each of us. It is the best I can say.

Yes, there are sadnesses and stresses. Lovely people die - including people who die too young and there is pain. There is a loss that my sweet little doggy was hit by a car last week and is no more. There was a beautiful young woman who decided it was not worth living anymore because of the great emptiness inside her and it breaks my heart that she is no more. There are transitions that require much growth and growth is sometimes more painful than can be expressed in words. But there is love and joy that is greater than words can ever express as well.

As much as I love my mind and tend to live in my mind, I am finding the emotions and heart to be louder right now. I am loving the hedonistic way of looking at life and finding that hedonism requires balance in order to extend the pleasure, that it is indeed hedonistic to find that balance. I appreciate that lesson more and more each day, even on the days when the balance seems impossible.

Who, me?

2008-08-04T02:58:54Z

Your result for The Personality Defect Test by Saint_Gasoline ...

Hand-Raiser

You are 71% Rational, 57% Extroverted, 14% Brutal, and 29% Arrogant.

You are the Hand-Raiser, that annoying kid in class who always had an answer for everything. No doubt, as a child you probably sat in the front of the class, anxiously waving your hand back and forth in the air while your teacher desperately tried to avoid calling on you because you were the ONLY fucking kid that answered her questions. Clearly, the key traits of your personality are your rationality and your extroversion. You are like a little talkative calculator, in other words. You also tend to be rather gentle and less arrogant than most people. Your presence is a bane to everyone's existence, because you are too nice for your own good and you absolutely will not shut up. So what is your defect, then? Well, you're boring, and when you're not boring, you are just plain annoying with your ultra-logical responses and constant need to talk to others. So keep waving that hand in the air, son. I'm still not calling on you. You are too logical, you talk too much, and your humility and gentleness only makes me hate you more, because they make me feel like I almost SHOULDN'T hate you. But I do. Big time. And by the way, the more you wave your hand in class--your extended hand becoming nothing more than a blur as you insanely wave it, thinking we can't see it--the more smug satisfaction the teacher takes in watching the look of excrutiating pain cross your face as you agonize over not being called on, and the longer we'll wait to call on you, just because we absolutely love torturing you so.

**So this means I am like Hermione Granger. I always suspected this, deep down. In fact, I remember being that way in school. No wonder I never had any friends in school. Hmmm.

To put it less negatively:

1. You are more RATIONAL than intuitive.

2. You are more EXTROVERTED than introverted.

3. You are more GENTLE than brutal.

4. You are more HUMBLE than arrogant.

Compatibility:

Your exact opposite is the Brute.

Other personalities you would probably get along with are the Braggart, the Haughty Intellectual, and the Robot.

If you scored near fifty percent for a certain trait (42%-58%), you could very well go either way. For example, someone with 42% Extroversion is slightly leaning towards being an introvert, but is close enough to being an extrovert to be classified that way as well. Below is a list of the other personality types so that you can determine which other possible categories you may fill if you scored near fifty percent for certain traits.

I am...

2008-07-31T04:09:50Z

Your result for The 4-Variable Buffy Personality Test by donathos ...

Dawn Summers

73% amorality, 55% passion, 73% spirituality, 64% selflessness

Dawn is a person driven by her love for her friends and her desire to make a difference. Perhaps you are, too. You're willing to do whatever is necessary to do what is right for those you care about, and sometimes this can get you in a little bit of trouble.

Most of all, however, you have a heart of gold.

Where's the Music?

2008-07-29T22:31:03Z

I can't sleep without any sound. I miss the drumming. I miss the sounds of fun and celebration, the beautiful voices and harmonies that I overheard coming from Elle's camp.

Although I didn't get to hear it much this year, I miss the delightful music of docsavage44.

I miss the lifestyle of walking everywhere through the woods and seeing friends.

The Year of the Slug

2008-07-29T02:09:06Z

Sitting in the airport in Portland, I considered the timing and tried to figure out a way to arrive at Brushwood during the daylight hours of Monday instead of waiting until Tuesday. Theoretically it was possible if I didn’t need sleep or if I slept enough on the trip home to be able to pack up my camping gear and drive the six hours as soon as we arrived. However, sleeping on a plane is not as comfortable or rejuvenating as I had hoped it might be. Though everything went smoothly and we arrive home safely, I was exhausted and needed rest. However, after sleeping a couple of hours in my own bed, I was excited enough about Starwood to pack up all my gear and drive up knowing that I would arrive in the dark. I decided it was time.

I was greeted by my lovely friend eaglewhisper at the registration area. He helped me find our campsite in the Fairy Woods and set up my tent but then talked me into going down to the roundhouse where the drumming was hot that night. I am so glad he did! It was the only really awesome night for drumming and dancing I had at the roundhouse this year. I danced and drummed from 1 am to 6:30 am. Whenever I felt tired, I told myself it would be easier to carry my things into my tent if I wait until the daylight. But when the sky started to light up, it also started to rain. That was the beginning of the rain.

Ah, but everything was just as it was meant to be. Yes, there were slugs and mosquitoes everywhere thanks to the rain. And slugs were the totem of Starwood 2008, at least from my perspective. Things moved slowly, people danced and drummed slowly, but it was relaxing. To me, relaxing was the lesson of the slug, but I was told the other lesson of the slug is to stay away from salt, which sounds like a good idea.

The highlight of my starwood this year was the connections with others, and I mostly connected with people I had met in prior years, the connections just grew deeper. It was the BEST! I am so glad to have spent time with such beautiful, wise, fun, loving people.

I became more connected with my body and how to use it. All the drumming and dancing and walking everywhere on the uneven terrain and carrying gear around and doing yoga was great for me.

Redheads Everywhere

2008-07-29T02:04:01Z

Portland is beautiful. I really liked the public transportation system, the openness of the people, the liberal feel, the trees, the gardens, and the weather.

Q’s family reunion was a very positive experience. Everyone was so positive and emotional. Again, they were very fundamentalist Christian and mostly positive and loving instead of being judgmental. There are so many redheads in that family! A lot of his cousins have bright red hair that almost looks too bright to be natural, but it is.

They had the reunion at a Christian retreat center and we were out in nature in that beautiful location. It was gorgeous. I got to know family members I had never met before. They are a very large and musical family and had a choir, including a choir director. There was a talent show of the kids’ talents – they are very good with instruments and singing. There were several storytelling sessions of the seven siblings remembering when they were children and what their parents had been like. It was fun to watch the unfolding story of how the traits are being passed down generations and where my husband fits into all of it. It was nice to feel connected and it was healing for me to appreciate both the different reunions one after the other so that I could feel balanced and whole.

Appearing out of a misty fog

2008-06-24T02:30:04Z

OK, so it's been a while since I posted anything. It's strange 'cause I had things that happened, and I thought about posting about my search for a car (when we replaced the no-longer-necessary van). Eh, I figured it wasn't worth posting about, at least not in detail.

I considered posting about other things that happened but they didn't seem interesting enough. I guess I'm getting back on the thinking that the little everyday things that I experience are of little interest to others. I saw some cute movies, some movies I didn't enjoy. Of course, that's what Flixster is for tracking.

We went to Michigan for Jason's wedding (a friend from high school and college) on 6-7-08 (at 3:45 pm). Get it?

It was lovely to be in St. Joseph again, my birthplace. It is the best in the summer. Lake Michigan was beautiful. For those who only know it from the Chicago side, you don't understand. It's gorgeous on the Michigan side. And we watched the most glorious storm from the lighthouse pier. It was far enough away that we didn't have rain or even hear the thunder but we watched the sky light up every second or so from different sections behind the clouds. Fireworks could never compete with this natural version. I am so in love.

Alas, we returned to Cincinnati, which is still our home and still the place we want to live, all things considered. What was lovely was being able to consider all the possibilities for where to live, what career to be in, which friends to be near, etc. and to say I'm happy with my life and even if I re-examine it, despite the things I am working on changing (being more active with fitness and house work/yard work), I would not want to change any of the major life decisions.

Speaking of yard work, Q got stung on the face by a bee while we did yard work Saturday morning. (I guess that's what we get for doing work on the Sabbath. lol)

I've been my lazy self, but happy and mellow. If it weren't for Q and my other friends and family, I would probably just melt away and become one with the furniture. However, I have friends to motivate me and now I'm on sparkpeople.com where I am working on my fitness and health goals. Small increments of changes, all for the better. If you're on there, my username is the same as it is on here. It's a free site and has lots of features. Very motivational and informative. Even has a menu for you if you enter your eating habits and preferences. You can print out a grocery list for the week from it. Kind of convenient.

I'm reading about DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) and it's really interesting and wonderful. I am so excited to be part of the team that is going to implement this much-needed treatment at our agency in a few short months. The first part of the training starts in August and I have to complete the reading by then. Marsha Linehan is my hero.

In July I have family reunions: one in California, one in Oregon and then Starwood. All in all, that is some very exciting news - even though it's still in the anticipation stages.

I must also mention I love shopping with my reusable grocery bags that were my Earth Day present from my wonderful environmentally conscious mother. It was the best Earth Day present ever! (not just because I haven't had an Earth Day present before) It feels so luxurious to not have those trashy plastic bags that ruin the environment. It makes everything I buy feel like it's a higher class of stuff. Psychology is so fascinating! Plus I can use the same bags to bring my lunches to work: bags of salad, veggie burgers, fruit, etc. Mmm, I LOVE Annie's Goddess Dressing.

OK, so that is all the exciting stuff of a couple of months. It's not much, but I'm happy.

Half-Staff Flags

2008-04-18T21:26:44Z

I was driving to work yesterday and noticed some flags that were flying at half-staff. I never watch the news, so I acknowledge that I have no idea what's going on. I see flags at half-staff and I think, "Oh my God! Is there a national disaster?" Because I was taught you fly the flag at half staff if the President is shot or something like that. It's not supposed to be just for ordinary things like somebody is having a bad day or sick or something, right?

Well today I noticed they are still at half-staff. Why? I still don't know. I even looked at the news and there is nothing listed. I am annoyed by this, so I look it up online. Nothing.

But the flag code says it's supposed to mean something, like it's Veteran's Day or Pearl Harbor Day or an important national figure died or a national disaster has occurred. On the list of days to fly the flag at half staff is Patriots Day (Sept. 11th). Did you know that 9/11 is Patriots Day?

I asked my husband and he said he's known people to put the flag at half staff for personal grief such as a family member dying or something. I think that's inappropriate, but there is a website that says:

"In additional to the traditional half-staff salutes when proclaimed by the President, the Flag Code mentions the use of our Flag for honoring citizens who have died, especially government officials and prominent citizens. However, the Flag Code does not exclude any citizen, whether a they belong to an organization or not, whether they recognized very locally or regionally. Examples of deceased citizens that might be honored with by lowering the Flag to half-staff include local religious leaders, youth leaders, honored teachers or sports coaches, local politicians, or a local hero. There need be no authorization from the government for the private sector (non-government) to use the Flag to honor any citizen. It is important to note that the Flag Code is a code, not a Law, it is intended to provide guidance and is not obligatory. It carries no civil or criminal penalties for "misuse" of the Flag. Individual are not acting illegally when using the Flag according to their own usage. Only on government / public building is the flagcode required to be followed."

I think that's just not right. I know I'm sensitive and all but I think the codes listed on the Army Student website are right. I'm not normally conservative and I know it's "just a symbol" but there is a reason for the symbol. I could go on about it myself but I found someone else who already said it better.

Back at Work

2008-04-16T21:41:19Z

One day the pain just went away and I've been able to eat real food. Today was my first day back at work since the surgery. It was only a half day because my doctor and I decided it would be best if I ease myself back to work. So for the rest of this week I'll be working half days. Then on Monday I should be back full-time.

Yay!

Post-Surgical Experiences

2008-04-06T14:40:27Z

Really, I have been anxious to have the surgery over with because i kept having sore throats and low-grade infections, couldn't breathe, and also was anxious to see my Momma, who came to take care of me after my surgery.

Now that it's over, I just can't wait to have the pain go away. Really. When does it go away? I am pretty sure I will run out of pain medication before the pain starts to subside at all. I can't wait to swallow w/out this spike of intense pain. I can feel my heart rate and blood pressure increase w/ the pain and I feel like I'm going to pass out from it sometimes it's so intense.

I was kept in the hospital overnight despite being told it would be outpatient surgery. Apparently, the doctor had always intended to keep me overnight and there had been a miscommunication. It was nice to have the IV - oh, how I miss the IV and the phenergan, which knocked me out completely. It was cool to drink fluids through my arm, including pain killer. My arm doesn't have that intense pain that my throat has, so yay!

I forced myself to drink lots of water anyways because I had been told to. I drank as much as possible because it helps my throat heal faster. I'm still doing this but it is torture.

Also, everything tastes kind of funny. It's probably all these dying tissues inside my nose and throat. Very gross. Minor detail. Not as major as I thought it would be. I'm trying to eat as much normal soft foods as I can, but it really is torture. The foods that help my stomach really hurt my throat and vice versa. It's a difficult thing to balance.

Believe it or not, I'm trying to be strong and not complain. I'm just having a hard time. My mom was proud of me for how well I handled everything. I miss her. She and her husband had to go home yesterday after being here for a week. It was lovely to have her taking care of me. She's such a good Momma.

I started out knowing that I would have to push through the pain and drink fluids each hour. I knew I would likely have a spike in pain a few days after I started to recover because everyone said so. It's when the scabs start to slough off after you've started to feel better. You start to feel worse than before. I was prepared because people who'd had their tonsils out before have experienced this. I was also prepared to feel a really intense earache because the pain is referred.

I was not prepared for the spikes to be unending, one after the other for days with very little relief. Maybe I'm pushing too hard, expecting too much? More likely it's because I had so much more than my tonsils removed and I have a series of sloughing off.... I have these times when I swallow and it doesn't hurt and then a couple minutes later when I swallow a sip of water or Pedialyte, I have a spike of searing pain that shoots through my ears. And then the pain doesn't go away when I stop swallowing, at least for a while.

I'm blessed that I can sleep in relatively no pain and don't feel anything until I wake up. If I prop myself up correctly, I don't even snore. But then when I wake up, I try to swallow and it hurts like hell because my throat had dried out while I was asleep. I can't believe how extreme the pain in my throat gets when I wake up. (Oh my god! I think 125 gods must be angry - I feel their wrath!) So I don't know if it's worth it to sleep for four hours, but of course, one must sleep.

So, what do I do? I'll get through this, but right now everything is very jumbled in my mind. I'm very fuzzy headed and I'm sure the structure of how this is written shows my thought process being disorganized. I have those moments when it's all ok and then those moments that are hell and I have no idea what I'm supposed to be focused on from one moment to the next. I need someone to take care of me because I don't remember simple instructions or solutions sometimes. I'm very lucky to have a sweet husband taking care of me now that Mom had to go home, but then I know he'll be at work tomorrow and school in the evenings... When can I just feel better?

Ohio Primary Election 2008

2008-03-12T01:35:28Z

I'm not one to know this type of thing normally, but I spoke to a person who worked the polls and according to my source, there were not enough ballots for the numbers of people who showed up to vote in the Democratic primaries in Clermont County, Ohio (where I live) and there were lots of people standing in line who were waiting for hours for ballots - some even in the morning. The residents of this Republican area were extremely interested in voting for the Democratic primaries.

In Clermont County, Clinton received 61% of the vote and Obama only 38%.

The reason?

Most of the Republicans were probably voting in the Democratic primaries in order to prevent Obama from becoming President. There were people who openly said they were there "to make sure that black man doesn't get voted in to office." One of my friends had guessed that the reason the Republicans registered Dem and voted for Clinton was because they think she's less likely to defeat McCain and that Obama actually could. My wish is that most of the voters were not racist and that they were intelligent enough to think through things to the level my friend surmised. Or even better, that they really wanted Clinton in office. Probably the truth is that there were people who fit into all those categories.

OK, so our election system is a farce and the President is only a puppet, but it still matters, you know?

I HATE SNOW!!!

2008-03-11T02:49:55Z

Really. I don't care that I used to think it was pretty. It's not pretty. It's ugly and blocks out all the colors from the world. I don't care that white is made from all the colors of the rainbow. It is not colorful. It is the color of death, but not the pretty glamorous aspect of death. It makes me sad. I really do hate snow.

Stupid snow. It fell on my birthday. Stupid snow kept falling all through Friday and Saturday. Stupid snow is melting now that the work week is starting so everyone can go back to work. Don't get me wrong. I'm glad it is melting. It just has bad timing.

OK. I think I'm done complaining for one day.

My Birthday

2008-03-08T03:30:11Z

The gods must be crazy: 6-10" of snow was NOT my birthday wish.

Then again, it's not just my birthday. There are other people born on March 7th. Maybe their wishes overtook mine.

In fact, last night we were at Cheeseburger In Paradise and the people at the next table were celebrating someone's birthday - she even had the same name as me. Weird, huh? (I've had lots of serendipitous experiences lately.)

The snow makes me want to crawl into bed and hide from the world until Spring. (Fortunately, that isn't far away.) Because of the snow, I just couldn't work the full day even though the agency was still open and I had paperwork to do. I just couldn't concentrate.

And the dinner for tomorrow night at the church has been rescheduled till next weekend. That sucks. I was planning to use that dinner as part of my b'day celebration. New plans to be announced. Or I might just hibernate or do paperwork tomorrow. I'm just so depressed by this friggin' snow. Besides, friends might not be willing or able to drive over tomorrow because of the snow. At least I have Q. He's making sure I have a special time. He made chocolate chip cookies. Mmmm.

Winter Wonderland

2008-02-12T14:23:35Z

Yesterday at work, people told me the weather report did not look good for today. I was warned that the agency might be closed due to the weather. But it was bright and sunny and didn't look at all threatening. Still, after the 7th person who told me it did not look good, I looked it up online and saw that they were right.

This morning, while I was sleeping, I thought to myself that I couldn't hear the freezing rain they warned us about so maybe it never came after all. But it's beautiful out there. We had a light frosting of snow covered w/ rain that froze and covered everything w/ clear crystal ice.

I just looked online and saw that the agency, of course, is closed, along w/ every other school and agency for counties around.

I hadn't prepared myself too much for the snow day 'cause I didn't want to be disappointed. Now I get one. :)

what do I do now?

Zeitgeist Movie

2008-01-26T18:41:04Z

You all need to watch www.zeitgeistmovie.com and tell me what you think. If that isn't enough reason for you to watch a 2-hr movie online for free, then please do it out of curiosity because it's freaky cool and even if it doesn't blow your mind, it might confirm what you already suspected.

OK, so it's a movie about how we're all being deceived - big surprise - by the religious leaders and the politicians - oh yeah, I know you're shocked!

Things that made me laugh

2008-01-17T13:51:25Z

OK, so being home w/ a sore throat for a couple of days is a great excuse to read and surf the web. I could do paperwork for my job but that just doesn't seem like a good use of a sick day. Anyways, not that I need to have an excuse but my mind is foggy.

I could entertain you w/ the silly dreams I've had. Being sick, my sleep cycle is a little bit "off" and then I remember dreams even though I usually don't. Boy, the weird dreams I've had in the past couple of nights include house shopping and the houses sometimes come w/ kids that have to be toilet trained and the houses also come with emotional baggage like ex-spouses; or a dream about being able to use hand gestures to tap into superpowers such as being able to fly and telekinesis and finding other people who have learned this by accident and then honed the skills and you can combine your powers if you work together but then we were being persecuted by "Them" because "they just don't understand" and of course, they think it's Satanic or something.... Ah, the funny ideas that go through my mind while I sleep....

Or I could post things I copy from other weblogs like:

Whom would Buffy slay? Utne.com uberintern Brendan Mackie just pointed me to Cogitamus’ expertly assessed lineup of Republican candidates as Buffy the Vampire Slayer villains.

John McCain is tagged as The Master, Buffy’s season one threat and a recurrent lurking danger:

The oldest vampire. Got killed early, but there’s some talk about how he might rise again.

And Ron Paul stands in as Moloch the Corruptor, an ancient demon that finds new life haunting the Internet:

He’s been around a long time, but he only recently absorbed himself into the internet, where he now has a bunch of overexcited followers who spend too much time online.

If Buffy’s not your pop-culture point of reference, you should 1) rethink your pop-culture frame of reference, and 2) enjoy the more accessible slate of Star Wars candidate analogies posted on Craigslist.

—Hannah Lobel