Last night I had a dream that could be interpreted many different ways and rather than interpret it here, I just wanted to relate it - because my spiritual teacher recommended that I record it before I forget the details. He tells me not to discount my dreams because there may be more meaning than I realize.

So it was that I was walking along with friends - don't know who they were - and they pointed out a building that was for sale for a very low price considering what it was and the condition it was in. I was trying to answer the question of why it might be such a low price and realized I didn't know the answer. So I decided to investigate. The building was stone and very institutional-looking. It looked like a place of business. And the feeling and comment made was that something creepy might have happened there, perhaps the seller of the building needed to get rid of the association to things he had done there.

As I went to investigate, I stepped onto an escalator. When I was about halfway down the escalator, the scenery around me changed. Instead of being a stone building surrounding me, there were brightly colored carpets and walls and decorations and loud music and ambience. There was a concession stand and there were lots of people w/ brightly colored clothes. It looked like the lobby of a movie theater and I wandered into the room and looked around but I didn't know anyone and didn't know what I was doing there, so I turned around and got on the escalator to return back to the sidewalk.

But the escalator didn't take me to the sidewalk. It took me to another dimension where there were pirates and pirate ships in the distance and I was in a pub of some sort and I didn't know what I was doing there and didn't fit in, and was a little unsettled. I just wanted to get through there without being assaulted or anything else bad happening to me.

Then I was back on the escalator and I noticed a woman on the escalator going the opposite direction. She was attractive and polite but not helpful and not approachable at all. I later found out she was a hostess and it was her job to ride the escalators and make people feel welcome. There had been other hostesses too, but they had all been fired and she was the only one left. I don't know why.

I got off the escalator on another floor and there was a sign stating that the point of that place was to have free symphony concerts. The man next to me was excited and got off on that floor and stayed, but I was cautious and learned that it was not a good thing to be there because the effect of the concert was that it lulled people to sleep and then they were taken advantage of by other people. In fact, while I was on the escalator going down from that place, I saw a man run away terrified from the concert hall and he was so scared that he jumped halfway up the escalator in one leap. It was not a safe place.

None of the places the escalator visited seemed safe to me. They all had lots of people and there was always an eerie feeling about the places it went. Whether I went up a floor or down a floor, there was always something to avoid, and always something unsettling about the places. The people riding the escalators with me were a mixture of people who were just curious, lost, riding for the excitement of the adventure, or afraid. Some people called it "riding the rails" and did it for fun for hours or days - no one had control over how long it would take to get back home and there was always the possiblity you wouldn't make it back home. It wasn't my idea of fun and I was afraid, but I had to continue exploring to try to find my way home. I couldn't just give up.

Some of the places were airports - a lot of them seemed to be airports, actually. And I didn't even get onto those floors when I saw what they were. I didn't want to risk getting so lost I wouldn't be able to even find the escalators.

Other floors were beaches or waterfronts. There were ships on some of them.

Some of them were full of pickpockets or people who were untrustworthy and there was a feeling of unsafety - "Just don't make eye contact and just keep walking," someone next to me said.

On one floor, there was a glass shelter, like you find at bus stops and it was along side of the rails. There was a path to the waterfront and there were only children and ducks when you got to the water. It was a strange combination of things that should be peaceful but were not. The children were like Sirens and it felt like if you fell for their charms, you would be overtaken and never make it out of there. It was one of the most compelling and frightening places I went on the escalator last night.

I met some people who were friendly and felt safe for a time, but they always seemed to get off the escalator eventually and part ways with me whether it was after walking into a dimension for a ways and they wanted to stay, or when we were at the place they decided to get off the rails and I didn't want to - because none of the dimensions were home and I was really only interested in getting home where I felt safe. I wasn't really in the mood to explore anymore. I was tired. I hadn't intended to start out on this journey in the first place.

Some of the time I felt like I was a hostess and not getting paid for it, because i was friendly and quiet and smiled at people like she did, and because I wasn't getting off the rails onto the floors - just like I was working and that was my job. In fact, I started to look at it like it was my job, just to keep riding escalators and to not explore any of the places. It got to the point that I didn't even want to see what was coming up next because I knew it would be disappointing - it wouldn't be what I wanted and it would look deceitfully peaceful until I'd find out some flaw. So I kept riding the rails and staring at my feet until I woke up. And I woke up stressed.

I got to play softball last night w/ a friend who is on a team w/ her coworkers. It was co-ed and they're always looking for females to fill slots on the team. It was fun! I was nervous about not having played since I was 16.

But lately, I had been thinking it would be nice to play softball again, to be on a team, doing something that promoted physical activity and challenge to myself. I was thinking it would be fun to have the chance to see how well I could do and whether I'd be better at it than I used to be or at least be able to maintain the skill I had years ago.

It brought back memories of years ago when my mom would spend hours teaching me to play. I was not a natural athlete and it was hard for me. I had to really work at it and I tested her patience because she had been naturally athletic. My brothers were also naturally athletic and even at younger ages could outperform me when we were still kids. But I kept at it, even though I was put in right field when in the game at all and benched about half the game many times. I did improve over the years and learn to hit the ball - even on bad pitches. I still throw like a girl; I'll never hit a home run, and I sometimes let the ball get past me despite best efforts. But I get behind the ball and don't shy away from it. I hustle and I throw in the right direction even if I don't have the oomph it would need to reach far targets. So apparently, on this league, that makes me worthwhile to the team because they're used to not having enough women, which sometimes means they have to forfeit, or finding women that don't even know how to play just to fill the slots. So yay me! I actually hit the ball multiple times, allowing runs and I made it into home once, and didn't make any errors in the field! (Nevermind that the ball never actually got to me in the field, which is why I was in right field to begin with. lol)

So how exciting! I got all hot and sweaty and my heart was pounding and my knees hurt. I think I got dehydrated and that may be why I have a migraine today, but I did it! I'm all happy. It feels good. I remember why I played and I think I'll do this again.

I didn't take time to write about my last couple days in Hawaii. The biggest things that happened were that we relaxed some more, saw the Molokai Coffee plantation and a macademia nut orchard, where I found mosquitoes are in abundance. Because I had not anticipated them, they found me - didn't have DEET w/ me that day. Curses, you mosquitoes!

We went to Honolulu, where I decided it would be really great to see Diamond Head. Silly me! I could have been on the beaches of Waikiki on a beautiful day, but instead I decided to hike uphill to the peak of Diamond Head when I was already exhausted before the hike. Sometimes it's hard to understand why I make the decisions I make when you consider I'm not really masochistic. But I'm a geek and I've been through that experience and I learned more about volcanoes and the fact that I need to exercise more.

I slept pretty well on the flights back to Cincinnati and was excited to see my friends again. I had invited a few close friends to see pictures and receive souvenirs and spend time together and that was a nice thing to do.

I'm settling back in - I can't believe it's already been a week since we got home. In a way it feels like longer because things are back to normal and it's amazing how quickly that happens. I have mixed feelings about this because I'd like to hold onto that relaxed feeling longer. I mean, my chiropractor told me how nice and relaxed my muscles were on that Monday when I went to see her, but today I am so tense I can feel it - and that's even after a great massage I received yesterday. What is with my body and holding onto stress?! I'm not even supposed to have this much stress - I'm not even back at work yet, which in and of itself is a stressful fact, I admit.

Yet, I'm psyching myself up to getting back to work. I think it will be great to get a new routine when I finally go back - I'm supposed to have all new clients, which is something I have mixed feelings about, too. I mean, there are some that I really like working with. Plus, it feels good to know someone already and have some idea of their background and strengths and weak spots. It's going to be overwhelming to have to have all new clients all at once, if that is what happens after all. I may be able to negotiate somewhat. that remains to be seen.

I'm trying to learn how to maintain my own well being and focus on things that have been out of balance. First and foremost I'm turning to my social support system and spending lots of time with the people I love. I hardly spend any time alone - at least when I'm awake. And I read research that reassures me that is not only a healthy response to stress but that it is a typical response for women (much more so than for men). So not only is it instinctive and healthy, it is not actually abnormal, either. Cool. I like knowing there are at least some things about me that are not completely backwards.

In my strive for balance, I'm trying to tap into the self-nurturing/inward focus, thinking about what I need, want or feel instead of worrying about others all the time. Apparently, that is what the universe has been trying to teach me to do and I've been very stubborn about not learning it - or needing to relearn it frequently. It's a tough balance to have.

Another thing I'm trying to learn is to tap into my "warrior" aspects and be more self-sufficient. That is not very easy for me. I think I've started to become a little too one-sided, and that might be part of my problem. I need to get in touch with my "inner bitch" as one friend called it. I don't even know how to do that in an intentional way. Typically if I'm bitchy it's unintentional, the kind of thing that results from pain and feeling whiny, needy, snapping inadvertently at someone. But the intentional bitch is not at all that way, she is a warrior, focused, confident, and effective. Who is that? I know I have tapped into those powers in the past, but that was long ago in my recollection. How long ago? I can't even remember.

So it's taking a little more time before I'm ready to face being at work again. I'm steeling myself and getting ready to hold up in battle. It won't be MUCH longer....

This entry is a retrospective - I wanted to type it last week, sometime before my trip to Hawaii, but somehow I never got into the frame of mind to accomplish something as sophisticated or as active as actually typing my ideas into the computer. In other words, I was really out of sorts and not at all well. I think I still have the memory of what I was thinking, and perhaps more hope and more energy, so now I can actually put the dark feelings into words.

[A note to J.K. Rowling: I apologize for using so many analogies from your stories, but if you hadn't made them so darn useful and close to my own experiences, that wouldn't have been so easy to do. As it is, I find it incredibly useful to use references from your books, especially the first one. Please try to take it as a compliment.]

[A note to those who have not read the Harry Potter books (at least the first one): sorry this probably won't make any sense. I relied heavily on references from the books to avoid having to describe things myself. I know, I've been told I'm lazy. I prefer to think of it as creatively efficient.]

I have always been attracted to healing because I needed it so badly. I found much of my healing through the help of encouraging, supportive and helpful people who appeared at various parts of my life when they might have been just extras in the movie. I grabbed onto much of the advice and wisdom, as much as I could at the time. I also decided early on that I wanted to be one of those people. During the Sorting Hat experiences of my life, I gravitated toward the ideas and occupation that I most value: emotional and mental and spiritual healing. I wanted to be a healer, not an abuser, bully, elitist, or anyone else from the House of Slytherin. In so choosing, I found myself in the occupation of mental health therapist, one of the very places I would find the most challenging, but also the most rewarding, even if it is one of the least glamorous.

It turns out that I was much better at shielding myself from the demons of depression and anxiety of other people's problems while I was working with them. I found myself happy and hopeful and able to cope better than others thought an empath would be able to do in the profession I chose. That was until an unexpected avalanche hit the agency and all the funding sources for the uninsured clients to receive therapy were suddenly depleted. I was devastated because most of my clients had been uninsured and I felt so helpless to stop them from losing the therapy they had been needing. I had believed in what I was doing or I would not have been doing it. I was in a bind.

Normally, I find it comforting to believe I am disposable in life, to remember the truth that Life will go on when I am no longer here. It helps take the pressure off. Nothing I do is likely to completely destroy or be necessary for saving the Earth or Life as we know it. For me, that used to be Death Therapy and it was very reassuring when I was younger.

But somehow, to those people I worked with, I did believe I was helping. I did believe I was important. I found it difficult to just accept the losses on their behalves. It isn't right. It isn't fair. I know Life isn't Fair, but this wasn't OK. I was fighting the Darkness and didn't expect that blow. It was really hard to go on. I don't know how this led to there being Dementors around every corner, but there they were in Cornwall or Amelia, wherever I turned. I got weak and shaky and the happiness was sucked out of me. I felt like I was about to lose my very soul. I heard Mom screaming. I felt the pain and the helplessness of watching it happen. And I was out of commission. I lost the golden snitch. I couldn't even stay on my broom. Home was my hospital wing, and chocolate didn't seem to be enough of a remedy.

I know the Malfoys of the world are probably smirking at me and think I'm weak because of all this. I cannot help that fact. Malfoy isn't going to understand and neither will his thick-headed sidekicks. I am happy enough when McGonagall shows support after seeming like she was so strict.

It turns out that I can't explain it to anyone who isn't willing to understand. I can't beat myself up about it. I am not a wizard and I don't have a magic wand. I don't know how to conjure a Patronus. If I did, things would be so much easier. But I am just me, a human without special powers. The closest I have is medication, and that is not the same thing at all. I have an achilles heel, probably more than one. If I didn't have a secret weapon, I don't think I'd ever make it through.

And when I think about what I decided to do, going into the field of mental health, sometimes it seems masochistic and quixotic. It feels like a fools' quest and I wonder what I was thinking. I do consider leaving the profession. I consider my other skills and talents. What could I do instead? I could probably excel in other fields, so I'm told, fields that pay real money and where people treat you with more respect. But then I remember my life's quest. As long as I'm in commission, as long as people can help me through this, it's worth it to live for my number one value, to help people find healing, to be a light in the darkness.

I know it's strange coming from a capitalist. What is a hedonist doing in a job that is practically volunteer work that wrenches the soul on a regular basis? How can I do this?

I keep doing it because I believe that it's worth it to defend against the Darkness and because I believe that Love and Hope make Life worth Living. 

That doesn't make me infallible and it doesn't mean I have magic powers. I am still working on healing and getting to the point where I can get back to work. I'm still messing up. Before my trip to Hawaii, I still felt like a zombie. My body was manifesting all kinds of ailments to let me know it isn't ok for my Soul to feel like it's on "Empty." I was unable to write this because I was too hurt to be productive, the clouds in my head were pretty dark, precluding clarity of vision or of thought. It felt like my head was full of mollasses and cotton balls.

Basically, it was hard for me to explain that after the first week and a half off work, I stopped feeling the intense emotional pain, but I was numb inside and unable to function. Even after two weeks off work, I was no longer aching, but was unable to feel any joy or belief in my life, healing or joy. It just wasn't in me.

After a few days in Hawaii, some of the Life started to return, I started to have feelings again that weren't pain and weren't numb. I still don't know if I'm whole. I feel more like ceramics that were broken and glued back together and broken again and glued back together again - I just don't want to test the bonds until the glue has more time to dry. I'm hoping it holds together by the time I get back to work.

This morning we drove up the east coast again to get to the meeting point for the tour to the falls. It was really pretty and also quite twisty turny, once again. We didn’t stop anywhere along the way this time because we didn’t want to be late.

It turned out we were a little early, but that’s ok. Everything is so nice to look at and the weather just feels good to be in. Q enjoyed the fact that it is still quite windy today. He also informed me that there is a high surf advisory until Friday for the eastern side of the island. Looking over the water, I could understand why. It could easily be deadly, and we were informed yesterday that people do drown in the waves at Papohaku, which was not at all surprising.

Our tour guide introduced herself as “Sweetheart” and she was barefoot the entire time, though we had been advised to wear good hiking shoes. She agreed that we should. I was glad we did. We also had our sunscreen, bug repellent and lunch with us. We have not had any problem w/ mosquitoes this entire trip, but we were informed they are thick in the rainforest where we would be walking. That was true.

Sweetheart showed us her family’s land and the taro fields. She explained that there is a poi factory but that isn’t being used much anymore. And she had to explain that poi is what is made out of taro, which is a root vegetable, starchy, like a potato. Poi is what you get when taro is pounded into a paste. It is vital to the island and is what her family does to contribute to the well being of the island. They don’t sell it, but trade it to other islanders for things that they need. She also explained that they are being very careful to avoid the taro virus that causes the plants to rot called “apple smell” and that so far it hasn’t been found on Molokai, though it is on many of the other islands.

Sweetheart showed us that her family also grows many other fruits and shared some of them with us, including ones we’d never heard of before. There were Hawaiian oranges, mountain apples (which are red and pearlike), limes, mango, avocado, and a certain kind of cherry that is small and red like maraschino cherries but tastes strange – it was said to taste like a pepper.  They also have lemon trees, coffee, breadfruit (even though they rarely eat it), tobacco, and so many others that I’m probably leaving some things out. She made mosquito swatters for us out of ti leaves and also explained how different parts of plants have many uses.

As she walked along the trails and pointed things out, she explained about the culture and history and I found myself interested in things I hadn’t been actively curious about, including some of the traditions of offerings to the gods; asking the kahuna permission before doing anything; offering human sacrifice to the war god of a warrior from an opposing tribe (after the kahuna consumes the warrior’s eyeball, of course); and the tradition in Feb of their version of the Olympics, which is a time w/out war when there is peaceful competition.

I noted that the rock walls were well built and really neat looking. They were made of lava rocks and Sweetheart explained that each family had a job, something useful they offered to the island. Just as her family grows taro, there is a family responsible for building the stone walls. She stated she didn’t know how long the walls had been there but they were there to keep wild animals from coming in and grazing on their crops. She pointed out places where a pig dug up a lot of roots and made a general mess of things before the hunters were called in. The hunters obtained a hog and a sow, one was 400 lbs.

At the falls themselves, I was glad it was time to pause hiking – it had been a long walk and it was starting to get hot. She made an offering and floated some ti leaves to make sure it was good for us to swim. When I put my feet in the water, I was sure it was ice temperature, but was reassured it was not cold enough to cause hypothermia. I was determined to swim to the falls and back, which wasn’t far in that pond, but sure seemed like a challenge in that temperature. (I had been told the day before it was 60 degrees.)

I made it almost to the place where the falls hit the pond and realized I was unable to swim against the current to get all the way there. It was coming down hard from such a height. I got close enough that I could feel the splashes and the spray from the falls and swam around it a short time before I decided it was time to go back and get out the water. It was kind of a shock for my body – when I got out of the water I felt weak and wobbly, but I made it. I was really glad for a bite to eat, too. I didn’t realize how ravenous I had gotten and how lovely it felt to be warm and dry again.

On the hike back to the car, Sweetheart described more about the island, the culture, the reasons why the land is restricted to people who live on the island unless people go with a tour guide, and she talked about the Manson cult followers who had been found in the area back in the 60s or 70s.

She explained that the mongoose had been brought in to the island to be a predator for rats, but that hadn’t worked out so well because the rats were nocturnal and mongoose is diurnal. That explained all the mongooses we had found – they’re prolific and always seen crossing the road. They are a predator for chicken eggs, she explained. Chickens are everywhere on the island, but apparently on Kauai, the one island without mongooses, chickens are more of a problem.

The story goes that a crate of mongooses was sent to each of the Hawaiian islands, and when one of the ship workers on Kauai saw them, he thought they were cute and went to pet one, but it bit his finger off, so he became angry and threw the entire crate into the ocean, which is why they don’t exist on Kauai.

Have I mentioned how vociferous the birds are all over the island? I’m sure I haven’t paid them due justice. They are reminding me of that fact as I’m typing, in fact. The birds are pretty, too.

Today we rested until late in the morning, actually until early afternoon. We played cards and then talked to a TAN representative who did a brief survey with us. It was interesting to talk to him because his family is from this island. I get the impression he is wealthy and that maybe most of the people from here are wealthy?

We drove up to the north side of the island but we had to stop where the road ended because Kaulupapa is restricted. We went to the lookout and read the posted signs about leprosy and Father Damien’s work and such. It was interesting to learn about the disease and great to learn that it can be treated these days and is much more easily controlled from spreading than people previously believed. The trees had really long soft pine needles that are like snake grass. It was covering the ground and make everything look soft. The way the needles blow in the wind is possibly the reason there are so many of them at that high of an elevation.

The cliffs of Kaulupapa are the highest in Hawaii and I was a little disappointed we couldn’t ride on them but the mule rides were booked full, and even if we could have gotten in, were quite pricy. Even though it is a National Historic Park, it is restricted and no one can go in except on special tours or if you’re visiting the patients of Kaulupapa by invitation.

We walked along the trail to see Phallic Rock. (Yes, it’s really called that.) It was a nice walk through the forest and we were able to find lots of large rocks near Phallic Rock. While there, we noticed offerings that had been made and realized it is a sacred site of fertility. Q expressed that it was cool because of the high elevation if nothing else. I felt like it was more than that. I also found the female partner of the phallic rock and noted that it hadn’t even been mentioned. Q didn’t find it significant and probably wondered if it really was meant to be anything special or was just a coincidence, since I also noticed rocks shaped like other things, like a turtle and stuff like that.

I noted that I still had sand coming out my ears from the previous day’s experiences in the ocean. I wonder how long there will still be Hawaiian sand in my body from this trip.

After returning to the hotel, we walked along the beach and gathered some coral, not much. We observed some small crabs and lots of coconuts and strange plant life. We found a coconut that sloshes when you shake it, which is how you know it’s safe to eat, and debated about the best way to get into and eat it or drink the coconut water. We ended up asking one of the people we walked by and he explained that it would not taste good to drink the water from it but that the meat of the fruit would be good to eat.

Q spent quite a while shucking it and then we took it inside to drill into the nut itself. I drilled into it and found that indeed the water did not taste good. Q broke it open and enjoyed eating the meat of the plant. It’s good fresh.

It feels like this day we didn’t do much, but we enjoyed our walk along the beach at sunset and we did go out and stargaze on the beach in the early night. It was really beautiful but cold. I decided to make it an early night because we had a tour scheduled for Wed morning.

Today we went to the western side of the island of Molokai. We were there to watch the sun rise and we took pictures of the beach. It was absolutely beautiful and we were unable to resist wading in the ocean as well. We soon discovered that you don’t wade at Pakohaku Beach without being prepare to get wet. It’s not the kind of place where you can take off your sandals and roll the cuffs of your pant legs up to your knees and expect your clothes to stay dry. The waves are much stronger than that, as we soon found out. After our jeans were soaked all the way up to the pockets, it was time to go back to the car and drive to town so my husband could get swim trunks. Yes, he actually came to Hawaii without a swimsuit, but that’s ok. They sell them here.

We visited the town and realized nothing was open yet (of the two stores that have not gone out of business). It was a little sad that so many buildings were boarded up. I guess that’s happening everywhere, but it means something about the dedication of people who are still against development when that is the case. Where do their kids find work? I think a lot of them are soldiers. Camouflage is common. I don’t know if that is just fashion, but it seems more than that.

Anyway, the Wind & Kite shop was open and he found a swimsuit. We bought a few souvenirs and stopped in the General Store before heading back to the beach.

This time we prepared to get in the water for real and we found you only have to go into the water up to your belly before the waves are sometimes over your head. It was kind of difficult to stand firm on the ground when a wave hit. There was a lot of force behind them and they knocked me to my knees more than once. After we went in further thinking that rather than fighting the waves, letting them carry you along and doing a little body surfing might be a better way to go. It’s a trick to not be scraped against the ocean floor but I think I got better at it in time. It was exhausting to try to fight the under currents. It wore us out to be in there for a couple hours.

After returning to our car, we drove the rest of the road on the west side. There were a few more access points to beach, but they were all rocky beach. I really enjoy the aesthetics of rocky beaches, but they aren’t so good for swimming and there was no shade in those spots. There was one small parking lot that was full of cars, which suggested a very popular beach compared to the one we spent the day at, which only had one or two other cars that belonged to campers. We decided to return to the less popular beach despite the fact that that one has probably a lot calmer waters.

When mid-day came along we got out of the sun and into the shade. It was a good thing, too. As we theorized, sunscreen is less effective when your skin is sand-papered off every time a major wave comes through. Evidence suggests this might be the case.

We watched the birds and other wildlife in the park, talked a little, relaxed, and played rummy for a couple hours until I became a little restless and we went back to the beach to walk some more, which meant getting back in the water because it was just so tempting and refreshing and fun. Also, I have this belief that the salt water will be good for me and have healing properties for things that are out of balance. After spending so long in the water that every mucous membrane was stinging from the amount of salt, I concluded that I probably tolerated it better because of my experience with the Neti-Pot, but it still was a little odd to have water go into my ear and out my nose.  I think that if this vacation doesn’t restore balance, it’s at least a good start. At some point I realized my nose was not running anymore. My skin may be clearing up, but that’s still not completely clear.

Despite efforts to plan our week, we’re learning that spontaneity is going to be really beneficial here, except that we found out we are too late to get in on the mule tour, which we both wanted to do. We didn’t realize it would get full and we needed to make reservations early. But we will still go on the tour to the Halawa Falls and tomorrow we’ll go see what we can of the things that are usually shown on the mule tour. So far, everything we see here is worthwhile and I have the feeling we definitely made the right choice to come to Molokai.

Tonight we’re supposed to see the stars again from the beach. My body is tired from the waves and walking on the sand but we’ll get rest soon, and it will be lovely.  OK, so I didn’t make it out of the room again till morning – I was too tired, but sleep was lovely.

This morning, my husband woke up early enough to walk around outside and watch the sun rise. I was still sleepy. One thing I noticed is that there are a lot of roosters on this island and they start to crow well before sunrise. It’s easy for me to get used to the sound and just sleep through it, but it is unique to hear the crowing in the background for hours each morning.

I napped a lot today, actually, but it was just so peaceful to feel like there was nothing else I needed to be doing and to be able to enjoy the open air and be in bed at the same time. We still managed to be in town before the shops opened. Because we have a kitchenette in our room and because restaurants are expensive and a little scarce, we planned to stock up on things at the local grocery store and handle at least the majority of our food that way. It seems to be working out nicely.

The thing about Molokai is it isn’t very developed, which is why we chose to come here. There are no franchised restaurants or shops. Every business seems to be small and privately owned. The people are friendly and accommodating. The man who was next to us in line at the grocery store said “Thank you for visiting but please don’t stay.” He went on to explain that they don’t have much development on the island and his implication is “We’d like to keep it that way”

Everywhere we drive we see signs and graffiti about La’au Point. It seems most people want to “Save La’au” and the rest are saying “No La’au” and from what I can tell, there are people who want to develop the spot and people who want to keep it the way it is. It is on a point of the island reachable by dirt road, but there doesn’t seem to be any draw there. It’s kind of intriguing.

The views are spectacular whenever we can see the ocean. There are areas on the island that are just run-down looking. I mean, there is not much industry on the island since the Dole plantations closed. There are coffee, coconut, macadamia nut and sugar plantations. There is the tourist industry, but there are lots of people who are living in shacks or fishing for a living, and that seems like an ok thing to do. I can appreciate the culture more considering it is in this perfect climate with breathtaking landscapes. Everything is laid-back because that’s ok in this place. People are just satisfied and enjoy life. You can just tell.

The views on the drive to the East of the Island were absolutely gorgeous. The combination of fauna, volcanic rock, mountains, and water were different each moment along the drive. The roads are well-kept and smooth. The trip was up a twisty-turny road that becomes narrower and narrower as you go until it is only one lane and then eventually it ends and you just have to turn around. It was amazing to drive along and just stop wherever the view was striking and you could find room for people to drive around your car if you happened to park it there. I fell into a trance more than once just staring at the beauty around me. Having the windows open and just sitting in the car was lovely. There was a heavy breeze and everything was just so overwhelming. I napped a few times in a couple of the spots where we stopped. At times I felt like it was a little too much twisting and turning on the roads and I felt really dizzy from it and from the wind blowing through the car. It is definitely not a drive I would recommend to my mother. The views were worth it for me and my husband, but I don’t think she’d be able to enjoy any views if she had to ride on that road to get them.

At the end of the day we had dinner at the hotel restaurant and it was a peaceful way to end the day. It is open air and right on the beach, so you can look out over the ocean while you eat and there was live music (Hawaiian, of course) playing. It was cool and windy, and even though it was sunny and clear, whenever I heard a chair scraping across the cement, it took me a moment to process that it was not thunder. My body kept telling me it was pre-storm weather and interpreting that sound as thunder every time and I had to manually go back into my brain and say, “No, it was someone moving a chair.” Eventually, I gave up and decided that if I felt like it was going to storm, why not give in to my instinctive response which is to crawl into the blankets in bed and sleep soundly and comfortably through the storm.

Even though I had gone to bed at about 11pm, waking up at 3:30am was not as difficult as one might expect. I had enough excitement to get out of bed without complaint because I knew the trip would be more than worth it – and I expected to be able to sleep in transit, which I did.

I had planned to take regular meclizine to prepare for the flight (not the non-drowsy kind), so that I would sleep on the plane. Failing sleep, at least I would be sedate and calm instead of feeling claustrophobic, nervous and motion-sick. It worked, and that is a lovely thing. It also helped that the flights were on time, my husband was a calming and supportive influence, and that I had good reading material. It’s a lot of flight time to get from Cincinnati to Hawaii, so I wasn’t going to sleep the entire trip, even with the meclizine.

I finished the last book of the Lord of the Rings before we got to San Francisco. The flight at San Francisco was delayed by three hours, but that was ok because we hadn’t had the connecting flight from Honolulu to Molokai firmed up anyways. It worked out swimmingly that we were able to get the last two seats for the last flight from HNL to MKK for the day and make it to our hotel within the check-in hours. Also, we arrived on Molokai at sunset.

The hotel room we have is open-air, which I didn’t realize meant that it is kind of like a cabin at a summer camp in that there are screens for the air to flow through the room all the time. The weather is such that you really don’t need to be closed in because the climate is good all the time. I find that so calming. I also find it very easy to sleep that way. It feels like being at camp and that is just such a relaxing way to feel. I like having that feeling and having amenities like a shower, refrigerator, microwave, etc. It’s very comfortable.

We found the beach and gazed up at the stars. It was dark and the moon is waning to almost new. So we weren’t able to see the water very well, but walking next to the ocean and looking up, we were able to see more stars than normally imaginable. We were able to identify a few of the constellations not easily visible in places that have more competing lights and were able to see the Milky Way.

This first night the hotel was hosting prom night for a local high school and we could hear the music from our room. It was funny that the music was Hawaiian hip-hop. The rhythms were the same you would expect to hear at a high school prom, I guess. I just faded into sleep anyways.

For the beginning of Spring, the day was probably lovely. I was unable to enjoy it as much as I might have liked. For one thing, I could not get my nose to stop its constant dripping even after rinsing my sinuses, taking a Claritan, a Benadryl, and Tylenol Cold & Sinus. The constant itching inside my nose was annoying, but even worse was the fact that at inconvenient times, my nose would drip quickly so that I couldn’t get a tissue quickly enough (unless it was in my hand already) or I would sneeze and it kept being the kind of sneeze that was unpredicted and I would have needed to have a tissue right then and there.  I was also experiencing my pre-vacation jitters, the worries of packing, the feeling like I needed to plan every little detail, and the knowledge that I would be unable to plan every detail, including big ones, such as reserving the flight from Honolulu to Molokai and making sure the schedule would work.

Because I had difficulty accomplishing this task, I was kind of stuck. I did manage to pack everything, but needed my husband’s help to arrange the flight. Even though it felt like a task I would be perfectly capable of doing, I was mired in self-doubt, which defeated me and I had to leave it to him even though he had more than enough other things to worry about.

Thanks to his willingness to take over that task, I was able to attend the event at First Unitarian Universalist Church where Ruth Barrett led a group in chanting and introduced us to Diannic Wiccan traditions. She and Shelley also provided concerts for us afterwards. It was the type of thing that many of my friends expected me to be interested in, but honestly, I typically do not attend. Diannic traditions honor the goddess and ignore the masculine aspects of deity and ignore men. I typically prefer the company of men and have few female friends. While I do find beauty in the balance of the feminine and masculine, I don’t generally want to abandon one side or the other.

In the mood I was in, feeling vulnerable, tentative, a little broken and fragile, I was glad to see my friends when I arrived. And it was a variety of friends, including women I rarely see anymore as well as my closest friends that I regularly do things with. It was very comforting to talk to each of the people and to exchange hugs.

Then when the actual event began, it was more relevant to me than I expected. I felt like the philosophy and stories were the same I’m trying to learn, and the message about Spring Equinox was validating. It was comforting to learn that this time of year is difficult because it is the in-between. It was validating to be reminded that this time of year is turbulent, that the weather is unpredictable, constantly changing as well, that we’re trying to increase speed after the slowing down of winter, and that can be difficult even though it’s exciting.

It was a good opportunity to be in a community of people I love and trust, a good chance to meditate while listening to stories and songs about peace, love, life, and other women’s experiences. It was great for gearing me up to be in the right state of mind to relax and enjoy the vacation which started the next morning.

Is there a virus that causes a rush of insecurity to sweep over a person? Because I know this is cold and flu season. Pretty much everyone has been fighting off illness, my family, friends, co-workers, clients, people in the store, everyone. And I guess I've been fighting it off somewhat successfully so far, but the problem I seem to be having is this strange-to-me-high level of insecurity. I mean, it's not like I'm normally arrogant and conceited, but lately I feel like the kid I was in high school, the one no one would talk to, the one who was made fun of all the time and used as the example of the least popular kid when others would be insulting each other.

And I don't know why. People have been treating me well. It's not like I've been outcast or treated badly lately, but I have this paranoia that they're just being nice to me because they feel sorry for me. I KNOW it's only paranoia and that it doesn't make any kind of sense logically, but I can't shake the feeling and the fact that my thoughts tend to go in that direction of their own free will.

It feels like it has biological or physiological causes. Strange and frustrating.

I don't want to be emotionally needy. How can I stop this nasty bug? I'm taking my vitamins, getting liquids, rest and taking care of myself but I think those are the measures to take for colds and flu. What are the traditional remedies for insecurity? (And please don't include any kind of junk food in the list of cures/remedies you offer up. That's already tempting enough this time of year.)

I went to okcupid to find people with whom I might be compatible and who are local, to test my theory that it's not so easy. I chatted with another who I thought would be really interesting - we were having a very meaningful conversation about healing and spirituality and the meaning of life. As we were signing off I told him I don't get on the computer all that often and gave him my number. He said he'd "stick to the computer" and "thanks for the trust" and then as soon as we were done chatting he deleted his account. WTF!?

Is it because I gave my number? Is that bad?

Or is it because he felt like the amount of information shared was dangerous? 

When okcupid says the account was deleted, is that true or is that the message you get when you're blocked?

I don't get it.

Perhaps this is just confirmation of the theory I was discussing last night - I seem to ASK to be rejected by people. I swear that when I gave my number it was not a subconscious attempt to get him to run away. The universe may be telling me otherwise.

So lately, if people have asked me how I'm doing (outside of work), I've been telling them, "Everything's all fucked up, but everything's ok all at the same time. So I'm depressed but I'm doing alright, too."

That feels like the best I can do to explain where I'm coming from, but it seems like there's such intensity to the experience that I can't convey it clearly enough. I mean, really.

Here's the thing: I am so depressed that my first instinct would be to kill myself if I weren't also balanced by the other side of things. I don't know if I've been this depressed at the same time I've felt this good. If I weren't able to tap into the lessons I've learned from past peak experiences, I may not be capable of this. As it is, I don't know how I can feel so much. It feels like it should be a problem.

Here's the thing: it IS a problem. But it isn't.

And there is a lot to explore within that I am absolutely terrified of examining. I don't want to look at the scary monsters. I don't want to see them. I really don't know how to not look. It's a problem.

There are important things, practical, work-related things that I need to remember and I can't. Because the emotions are too intense and I can't remember if the things I think happened really did happen or if they were just dreams. And that's a problem.

The other day I overheard someone talking about an acid trip and it was like my experiences except I'm not on acid or any other hallucinogens. It's not that kind of thing. Does anyone know what I'm talking about? 

So, as a mental health therapist, I am expected to keep things confidential, of course. We all know that no one would talk to a therapist otherwise. And most people, even if they've never been in therapy before, understand there are exceptions to confidentiality: if you tell me you are going to hurt yourself or someone else, I must report you. If you tell me about a child, disabled or elderly person being abused, I must report the incident. But some people don't realize that I also have a supervisor who reviews my case notes and discusses cases with me. I have a team of co-workers who discuss cases and how to problem-solve. There are auditors from the funding agencies who audit charts to ensure I am doing my job (the Mental Health & Recovery Board or Medicaid) and only billing for "medically necessary" services. Also, the licensure board has a code of ethics that requires me to report other co-workers who have breached the code of ethics.

So when a client told me she had her boundaries violated by the previous therapist, I had to report it, even though she didn't want to get the previous therapist in trouble. She thought it was safe to tell me and it would go no further. I told her we have a code of ethics that does not allow this. She is really hurt and feels betrayed. She feels guilty for getting the other therapist in trouble and threatening her livelihood. Nothing I can say will take away the client's feeling of betrayal - now by two different therapists. 

This is the kind of situation I have agreed to walk into. I explained that she is not responsible if the previous therapist has to face consequences for her actions, but that only goes so far. I explained that part of the reason therapists are supervised is to prevent vulnerable people from being victimized by treatment providers and she would not want others to experience the hurt she experienced at the hands of the other therapist. This only goes so far. I expressed that I understand she feels betrayed and that she may not want to work with me ever again, that I don't blame her for her feelings.

The director of my agency forwarded this email from the local sheriff to all the employees just so we'll understand what we're dealing with. Our fiscal year starts in July and we've already almost used up the entire year's budget for hospital stays - we just can't keep up with the need. I, for one, feel the crunch. 

Officials Fear Financial Crisis May Spawn Suicides

NEW YORK (AP) ― An out-of-work money manager in California loses a fortune and wipes out his family in a murder-suicide. A 90-year-old Ohio widow shoots herself in the chest as authorities arrive to evict her from the modest house she called home for 38 years.

In Massachusetts, a housewife who had hidden her family's mounting financial crisis from her husband sends a note to the mortgage company warning: "By the time you foreclose on my house, I'll be dead."

Then Carlene Balderrama shot herself to death, leaving an insurance policy and a suicide note on a table.

Across the country, authorities are becoming concerned that the nation's financial woes could turn increasingly violent, and they are urging people to get help. In some places, mental-health hot lines are jammed, counseling services are in high demand and domestic-violence shelters are full.

"I've had a number of people say that this is the thing most reminiscent of 9/11 that's happened here since then," said the Rev. Canon Ann Malonee, vicar at Trinity Church in the heart of New York's financial district. "It's that sense of having the rug pulled out from under them."

With nowhere else to turn, many people are calling suicide-prevention hot lines. The Samaritans of New York have seen calls rise more than 16 percent in the past year, many of them money-related. The Switchboard of Miami has recorded more than 500 foreclosure-related calls this year.

"A lot of people are telling us they are losing everything. They're losing their homes, they're going into foreclosure, they've lost their jobs," said Virginia Cervasio, executive director of a suicide resource enter in southwest Florida's Lee County.

But tragedies keep mounting:

• In Los Angeles last week, a former money manager fatally shot his wife, three sons and his mother-in-law before killing himself.

Karthik Rajaram, 45, left a suicide note saying he was in financial trouble and contemplated killing just himself. But he said he decided to kill his entire family because that was more honorable, police said.

Rajaram once worked for a major accounting firm and for Sony Pictures, and he had been part-owner of a financial holding company. But he had been out of work for several months, police said.

After the murder-suicide, police and mental-health officials in Los Angeles took the unusual step of urging people to seek help for themselves or loved ones if they feel overwhelmed by grim financial news. They said they were specifically afraid of the "copycat phenomenon."

"This is a perfect American family behind me that has absolutely been destroyed, apparently because of a man who just got stuck in a rabbit hole, if you will, of absolute despair," Deputy Police Chief Michel Moore said. "It is critical to step up and recognize we are in some pretty troubled times."

• In Tennessee, a woman fatally shot herself last week as sheriff's deputies went to evict her from her foreclosed home.

Pamela Ross, 57, and her husband were fighting foreclosure on their home when sheriff's deputies in Sevierville came to serve an eviction notice. They were across the street when they heard a gunshot and found Ross dead from a wound to the chest. The case was even more tragic because the couple had recently been granted an extra 10 days to appeal.

• In Akron, Ohio, the 90-year-old widow who shot herself on Oct. 1 is recovering. A congressman told Addie Polk's story on the House floor before lawmakers voted to approve a $700 billion financial rescue package. Mortgage finance company Fannie Mae dropped the foreclosure, forgave her mortgage and said she could remain in the home.

• In Ocala, Fla., Roland Gore shot his wife and dog in March and then set fire to the couple's home, which had been in foreclosure, before killing himself. His case was one of several in which people killed spouses or pets, destroyed property or attacked police before taking their own lives.

"The financial stress builds up to the point the person feels they can't go on, and the person believes their family is better off dead than left without a financial support," said Kristen Rand, legislative director of the Washington D.C.-based Violence Policy Center.

Dr. Edward Charlesworth, a clinical psychologist in Houston, said the current crisis is breeding a sense of chronic anxiety among people who feel helpless and panic-stricken, as well as angry that their government has let them down.

"They feel like in this great society that we live in we should have more protection for the individuals rather than just the corporation," he said.

It's not yet clear there is a statistical link between suicides and the financial downturn since there is generally a two-year lag in national suicide figures. But historically, suicides increase in times of economic hardship. And the current financial crisis is already being called the worst since the Great Depression.

Rising mortgage defaults and falling home values are at the heart of it. More than 4 million Americans were at least one month behind on their mortgages at the end of June, according to the Mortgage Bankers Association.

A record 500,000 had entered the foreclosure process. And that trend is expected to continue through next year, despite the current programs from the government and the lending industry to refinance delinquent homeowners into more affordable loans.

Counselors at Catholic Charities USA report seeing a "significant increase" in the need for housing counseling.

One counselor said half of her clients were on some form of antidepressant or anti-anxiety medication. The agency has seen a decrease in overall funding, but it has expanded foreclosure counseling and received nearly $2 million for such services in late 2007.

Adding to financially tense households is an air of secrecy. Experts said it's common for one spouse to blame the other for their financial mess or to hide it entirely, as Balderrama did.

After falling 3 1/2 years behind in payments, the Taunton, Mass., housewife had been intercepting letters from the mortgage company and shredding them before her husband saw them. She tried to refinance but was declined.

In July, on the day the house was to be auctioned, she faxed the note to the mortgage company. Then the 52-year-old walked outside, shot her three beloved cats and then herself with her husband's rifle.

Notes left on the table revealed months of planning. She'd picked out her funeral home, laid out the insurance policy and left a note saying, "pay off the house with the insurance money."

"She put in her suicide note that it got overwhelming for her," said her husband, John Balderrama. "Apparently she didn't have anyone to talk to. She didn't come to me. I don't know why. There's gotta be some help out there for people that are hurting, (something better) than to see somebody lose a life over a stupid house."

The reason I haven't been posting, frankly, is that I have been so hedonistic and happy.  I have had many peak experiences - many of them not fit for posting online. As peak experiences are wont to do, they have altered my perception of my everyday life. I am not content with just surviving - I want to thrive. I am not content with just accepting that these experiences are temporary - I want to recreate the pleasure as much as I can in my daily life. This has been quite a rush! The intensity of Labor Day Weekend was wonderful and inspiring and I want the rest of my life to at least echo the ecstasy - if not lead to more experiences of it, but of course, I prefer to have more ecstasy.

There is a phenomenon that is often noticed by people who have peak experiences that the intensity often lessens with repetition and it is often impossible to recreate the level of that first encounter.

I am finding that my experiences are not that way - it's like I continue to climb higher and higher. It's like being constantly high! I love it!

There is attached to it, the fear that it won't last or that it will lead to some sort of crash, but that doesn't seem realistic or possible right now, not the way I'm feeling. As I often teach my clients, emotions have a tendency to feed themselves: if you are angry, your brain finds more reasons to be angry and the anger builds; if you are anxious, the anxiety builds as you begin to fear losing control of your feelings; well, joy breeds joy. That is the most beautiful experience!

My visit to docsavage44  was the best! I will never be the same again - I came from that visit with new inspiration, hope and increased understanding of the capacity for joy and ecstasy possible in life. That was followed by a quick trip to Vegas, which was not my thing, but the Grand Canyon is beautiful, of course! And just like everyone says, it has to be experienced first-hand. I would have liked more time at the canyon and less time in Vegas, but things worked out the way they did.

I am beginning to implement the Dialectical Behavioral Therapy model in my practice and that includes Zen practices that teach how to cope with emotions of distress and how to increase mindfulness. I am not a perfect student myself, but it is a very helpful set of tools to have. This is necessary when one has the feeling of going through withdrawal during the times in between the peaks.

I am finding an amazing wealth of wonderful people in my life and learning to appreciate the love that flows through each of us. It is the best I can say.

Yes, there are sadnesses and stresses. Lovely people die - including people who die too young and there is pain. There is a loss that my sweet little doggy was hit by a car last week and is no more. There was a beautiful young woman who decided it was not worth living anymore because of the great emptiness inside her and it breaks my heart that she is no more. There are transitions that require much growth and growth is sometimes more painful than can be expressed in words. But there is love and joy that is greater than words can ever express as well.

As much as I love my mind and tend to live in my mind, I am finding the emotions and heart to be louder right now. I am loving the hedonistic way of looking at life and finding that hedonism requires balance in order to extend the pleasure, that it is indeed hedonistic to find that balance. I appreciate that lesson more and more each day, even on the days when the balance seems impossible.

Your result for The Personality Defect Test by Saint_Gasoline ...

Hand-Raiser

You are 71% Rational, 57% Extroverted, 14% Brutal, and 29% Arrogant.

You are the Hand-Raiser, that annoying kid in class who always had an answer for everything. No doubt, as a child you probably sat in the front of the class, anxiously waving your hand back and forth in the air while your teacher desperately tried to avoid calling on you because you were the ONLY fucking kid that answered her questions. Clearly, the key traits of your personality are your rationality and your extroversion. You are like a little talkative calculator, in other words. You also tend to be rather gentle and less arrogant than most people. Your presence is a bane to everyone's existence, because you are too nice for your own good and you absolutely will not shut up. So what is your defect, then? Well, you're boring, and when you're not boring, you are just plain annoying with your ultra-logical responses and constant need to talk to others. So keep waving that hand in the air, son. I'm still not calling on you. You are too logical, you talk too much, and your humility and gentleness only makes me hate you more, because they make me feel like I almost SHOULDN'T hate you. But I do. Big time. And by the way, the more you wave your hand in class--your extended hand becoming nothing more than a blur as you insanely wave it, thinking we can't see it--the more smug satisfaction the teacher takes in watching the look of excrutiating pain cross your face as you agonize over not being called on, and the longer we'll wait to call on you, just because we absolutely love torturing you so.

**So this means I am like Hermione Granger. I always suspected this, deep down. In fact, I remember being that way in school. No wonder I never had any friends in school. Hmmm.

To put it less negatively:

1. You are more RATIONAL than intuitive.

2. You are more EXTROVERTED than introverted.

3. You are more GENTLE than brutal.

4. You are more HUMBLE than arrogant.

Compatibility:

Your exact opposite is the Brute.

Other personalities you would probably get along with are the Braggart, the Haughty Intellectual, and the Robot.

*

*

If you scored near fifty percent for a certain trait (42%-58%), you could very well go either way. For example, someone with 42% Extroversion is slightly leaning towards being an introvert, but is close enough to being an extrovert to be classified that way as well. Below is a list of the other personality types so that you can determine which other possible categories you may fill if you scored near fifty percent for certain traits.

Your result for The 4-Variable Buffy Personality Test by donathos ...

Dawn Summers

73% amorality, 55% passion, 73% spirituality, 64% selflessness

Dawn is a person driven by her love for her friends and her desire to make a difference. Perhaps you are, too. You're willing to do whatever is necessary to do what is right for those you care about, and sometimes this can get you in a little bit of trouble.

Most of all, however, you have a heart of gold.

I can't sleep without any sound. I miss the drumming. I miss the sounds of fun and celebration, the beautiful voices and harmonies that I overheard coming from Elle's camp.

Although I didn't get to hear it much this year, I miss the delightful music of docsavage44.

I miss the lifestyle of walking everywhere through the woods and seeing friends.

Sitting in the airport in Portland, I considered the timing and tried to figure out a way to arrive at Brushwood during the daylight hours of Monday instead of waiting until Tuesday. Theoretically it was possible if I didn’t need sleep or if I slept enough on the trip home to be able to pack up my camping gear and drive the six hours as soon as we arrived. However, sleeping on a plane is not as comfortable or rejuvenating as I had hoped it might be. Though everything went smoothly and we arrive home safely, I was exhausted and needed rest. However, after sleeping a couple of hours in my own bed, I was excited enough about Starwood to pack up all my gear and drive up knowing that I would arrive in the dark. I decided it was time.

I was greeted by my lovely friend eaglewhisper at the registration area. He helped me find our campsite in the Fairy Woods and set up my tent but then talked me into going down to the roundhouse where the drumming was hot that night. I am so glad he did! It was the only really awesome night for drumming and dancing I had at the roundhouse this year. I danced and drummed from 1 am to 6:30 am. Whenever I felt tired, I told myself it would be easier to carry my things into my tent if I wait until the daylight. But when the sky started to light up, it also started to rain. That was the beginning of the rain.

Ah, but everything was just as it was meant to be. Yes, there were slugs and mosquitoes everywhere thanks to the rain. And slugs were the totem of Starwood 2008, at least from my perspective. Things moved slowly, people danced and drummed slowly, but it was relaxing. To me, relaxing was the lesson of the slug, but I was told the other lesson of the slug is to stay away from salt, which sounds like a good idea.

The highlight of my starwood this year was the connections with others, and I mostly connected with people I had met in prior years, the connections just grew deeper. It was the BEST! I am so glad to have spent time with such beautiful, wise, fun, loving people.

I became more connected with my body and how to use it. All the drumming and dancing and walking everywhere on the uneven terrain and carrying gear around and doing yoga was great for me.